In an earlier post, I described how I traveled around like a celebrity, visiting interesting places and eating banquets, for a television program about foreigners in Shandong Province.   Last Tuesday, the celebrity bus came to pick me up at quarter after six and we went to the provincial capital, Jinan, about an hour and a half away. There we met up with a flock of foreigners, representing the other six nearby cities involved in this effort, and a full complement of dignitaries, such as the vice-governor of the province, and scads of cameramen and photographers.  Together, we toured beautiful Danming Lake, fed by underground springs and home to the largest water lilies I've ever seen. 

Some other highlights -- listening to the members of the Greater Jinan Peking Opera Society performing in the open air, (at least I presume that's who they were -- I loved them), listening to a man in traditional scholar's garb declaim some poetry (awesome), and touring a traditional Chinese courtyard home. Followed of course by a bountiful lunch. 

But as wonderful as all this was, I was getting increasingly quiet and tense, because I knew that in a few hours, we'd all be going to the television station to film the grand finale of 2014 Foreigners' Views on Urban Economic Circle of Shandong Capital City Cluster.  (That's the name of the show.)  And there, at the TV station, I was to sing a Chinese folk song, Jasmine Flower -- in Chinese.  The foreign office had heard me singing while joking around with the director and thought it would be a nice touch for me, the foreigner, to sing this well-loved folk song. Here's a version of the song by a famous Chinese soprano, joined by Celine Dion. Personally, I loathe what La Dion does to the song, starting with her ululations at 1:55.  I prefer this version sung by Peng LiYuan, who in addition to being a highly respected folk singer, is also China's "First Lady," the wife of General Secretary Xi Jinping.

The prospect of singing didn't bother me much, but memorizing a random assortment of sounds, some of which include phonemes we just don't have in English, proved to be a daunting task. My students at the school were very encouraging and coached me on my pronunciation and urged me not to be nervous. But I was still trying to nail it down in my head as we traveled to the television station, which was quite a large and glamorous building. We were sent to have our hair and make up done and then, of course there was a last bathroom break before going to the set. 

I've adapted pretty well to the Chinese squat toilet but on this day I discovered a latent hazard; because the toilet is basically a basin in the floor, you had better not trip or misstep on your exit from the stall. My foot slipped as I turned to go out and started to slide into the toilet and I was worried that I'd sprain my ankle or something.  I found myself crashing backwards out of the stall with my arms flailing wildly. Luckily I recovered my balance in time and soon recovered my composure.  But maybe this is why someone decided that, given my utter lack of grace or coordination, I would not make my entrance on the set as the other foreigners did.  They walked through a sliding wall and down a steep flight of illuminated stairs with no handrail. But I was told to just walk in from the side of the stage. Good thing, too. Instead of gracefully floating down those stairs, I would have descended like an old woman getting off a bus. Not exactly Gwyneth Paltrow making an entrance to announce the nominees for Best Actress.

We were ushered into a TV studio with a small live audience and a host and hostess who appeared to be Jinan's version of Regis and Kathy Lee. I was glad to see the TV people I'd spent three days with, especially director John. He's younger than my sons and if I could, I'd feed him one almighty stack of pancakes and bacon. The seven featured foreigners, including me, were introduced one at a time for some light banter and, in my case, singing. While I didn't manage it perfectly, I didn't have a meltdown either and the audience clapped along and seemed to appreciate the effort. (Afterwards, another foreigner told me he was very impressed that I'd managed to do that after only three months in the country). 

However, don't think that I was the highlight of the show. As W.C. Fields said, never work with children or animals. An American man appeared with his two young sons, both of whom can speak Mandarin and one played the erhu.  So.

The TV people and the dignitaries and the administrators from the school all seemed very pleased with how everything went. There was one last celebratory banquet (I will talk about banquets and toasting at some point), and then it was back home to get ready for another school day.

In the weeks leading up to my departure for China, I did a furious amount of Google-clicking, learning everything I could about the city and province I was headed for, and spending a lot of time reading forums set up by and for expat ESL teachers.  

I discovered to my dismay that a lot of people who participate in these forums are sarcastic and miserable when they have to endure the naive and ignorant questions of yet another "newbie." Not content with insulting people who visit the forums and post innocent questions, they also like to call out any examples of ignorance about China that come to their attention. For example, a visiting journalist expressed surprise at how far Western fashions, music, and culture has permeated a supposedly communist country. So he's just a  "clueless twit." 

I gave up on reading Dave's ESL Cafe for this reason, even though it's supposedly the pre-eminent ESL website on the internet. There's just too much negativity, crudeness and nastiness. I occasionally check out Raoul's China Saloon; it's a little friendlier but cynicism and pessimism still abound.

As the author of Writer, Teacher, Tea Drinker:  says: You see, the problem is China attracts, well, a certain kind of foreigner. All you need is a college degree and a foreign passport and you can land yourself a nice job, with a decent salary and plenty of free time. Or, a few thousand dollars will get you a couple of hours of class a day, and eventually a degree. How do most foreigners spend their free time? Drinking and trying to hook up with people. Blah.  Or on the other end of the spectrum there are the sinophiles who do everything better and cooler than you. Speak fluent Chinese, mock you for your “western ways,” and generally try to make you feel like a worthless turd that should bow down to their awesomeness.

There are many job placement agencies on the internet that offer good information about living overseas -- but there are also horror stories about unscrupulous fly-by-night agencies that use bait and switch tactics. If possible, contact schools and universities in China directly, do not use a middleman. I found my job through Profs Abroad. 

When you are considering a job offer, ask to be put in contact with someone who's already teaching there. You should not have to pay a fee to any middleman to find you a job (although of course there will be fees for your visa application and so on). 

The most reassuring, friendly and fun information I found was the "Local Laowei" video series. Really helpful.  I also like the down-to-earth video series by English teacher Austin Guidry.

....you probably can't afford to golf in China. Especially if you hit a hole in one. Apparently the tips for all the caddies and the drinks at the clubhouse afterwards can cost you thousands of dollars. But follow this link for a fantasy tour of the golf courses of Kunming, the City of Eternal Spring.

Here's a sample: Honghe Spring already has a reputation as one of China's hardest golf courses. With tees suspended precariously on steep, jungle-covered slopes and narrow fairways carved through dense forest, Honghe will test any golfer's mettle. There's probably no better place than this to stress-test both mentally and physically.

More beautiful golf courses at this link.  According to CBS Sports: club memberships and green fees [in China] are among the most expensive in the world. The average initiation fee of a golf club is a staggering $53,000 - more than four times the cost of a club membership in Spain and Switzerland, the countries with Europe's most expensive entry fees. One in 10 Chinese clubs charges initiation fees exceeding $100,000, with annual dues ranging between $1,500 and $4,000.
What's more, green fees are the highest of any country studied by the Golf Benchmark Survey. Chinese golfers pay on average $161 to play an 18-hole weekend round, topping the average green fee in Dubai ($152).

Out:  Long March.  In:  Long Drive.  
Out: Five Year Plan.  In:  Five Iron.
Out: Cadres.  In: Caddies.

I'm part-way through The Long March: the True History of China's Founding Myth, by Sun Shuyun. Previously, about the only things I really knew about the Red Army's Long March was that it was long. And it was a march. The author has deftly combined the memories of Long March veterans with her painstaking research and her personal reactions as she realizes that the darker side of this epic journey has been hidden for propaganda purposes. Very readable.

I just finished Lessons from China: America in the Hearts and Mind of the World's Most Important Rising Generation, by Amy B. Werbel, who spent a year teaching and lecturing at Chinese universities as a Fulbright scholar. Her first days in China and her first reactions were a lot like mine and, I suppose, thousands of other laowais;  she has written a good chronicle of life in China.  So if you're headed for a university job in China, this could be a worthwhile preview. Trigger warning: Professor Werbel is a post-modernist art expert and her world view won't be shared by everyone. If reading phrases such as "gender is a social construct" is traumatizing for you, best avoid this book.

If you are interested in China and haven't read Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China, by Jung Chang,  -- well, get this book. Get this book!!  Some friends gave it to me and I cracked it open to console and distract me on the night that I lost my election bid for school trustee. I was awake until four in the morning. Could not put it down. It's that good. 

Chang and her husband recently published a sympathetic biography of the Dowager Empress Cixi. They also wrote a scathing biography of Mao. I think all three books are banned in China. It will be interesting to see if, over time, their research on Mao and Cixi overturns the verdict of history.