[First published June 27, 2015] Are you packing your suitcase to come to work in China? Have you got the OMG-I'm-moving-to-a-foreign-country jitters? You'll find a lot of "do's" and "don'ts" about Chinese etiquette floating around the web but reading them all might make you feel even more nervous! For light-hearted and useful advice, I really recommend the "Local Laowai" series on YouTube .
I recently spent a week at a countryside resort and the manager commented to me that I was the most polite foreigner he'd ever met, because I was aware of other people and didn't just care about myself. So I must be doing something right. Here are my observations....
Let's take as your starting point that you want to show your Asian colleagues and friends and the random people that you meet that you are intelligent, polite, and culturally aware but not to the point of slavishness and over-exaggeration. You want to fit in, not look ridiculous.
So.... yeah, tip one, don't bow too deeply. Don't bow at the same time you're shaking hands, that looks awkward. No-one is expecting you to bow at all, actually. You're a Westerner.
When we're bicycling through a Chinese village and we pass an elderly villager sitting in the sun, I do give them a smile and a head bob, to show respect. I hope they understand that I want to show respect for their grey hairs and for the fact that I'm cycling through their village. Or maybe I look like a dope. I hope not. Also when I'm called upon to speak in front of a group, I start with a little bow, because that is what all the other speakers do. It seems to be well received. Otherwise, I don't go around bowing at everybody...
I recently spent a week at a countryside resort and the manager commented to me that I was the most polite foreigner he'd ever met, because I was aware of other people and didn't just care about myself. So I must be doing something right. Here are my observations....
Let's take as your starting point that you want to show your Asian colleagues and friends and the random people that you meet that you are intelligent, polite, and culturally aware but not to the point of slavishness and over-exaggeration. You want to fit in, not look ridiculous.
So.... yeah, tip one, don't bow too deeply. Don't bow at the same time you're shaking hands, that looks awkward. No-one is expecting you to bow at all, actually. You're a Westerner.
When we're bicycling through a Chinese village and we pass an elderly villager sitting in the sun, I do give them a smile and a head bob, to show respect. I hope they understand that I want to show respect for their grey hairs and for the fact that I'm cycling through their village. Or maybe I look like a dope. I hope not. Also when I'm called upon to speak in front of a group, I start with a little bow, because that is what all the other speakers do. It seems to be well received. Otherwise, I don't go around bowing at everybody...
Don't point. If you watch the Chinese, you'll see that they beckon or indicate (as in, "this way, please" or "you first" or "turn left at the end of the hall") by using the entire hand, with all fingers extended. Don't point at people and don't summon people by crooking your finger. Pointing is rude.
The unspoken rules of physical contact are different here. I mean, if you are one of those people who routinely, even unthinkingly, hug people when greeting them, or playfully punch their upper arms, or pat their backs, be aware that you may startle a Chinese person by doing this, especially if you don't know them well. However, you'll observe many patterns of physical contact in China that you won't see in the West. Physical contact between friends is A-0K in China. Friends of the same sex, that is. Girls walk hand-in-hand, boys roughhouse with one another and are physically close in a way which would call down assumptions about their sexuality in the West.
Public boy-girl affection is frowned upon. Ross and I have drawn a lot of comment around the campus because we often hold hands when we walk. That's very unusual for an older married couple but people think we're cute and they tolerate us. French kissing would be a pretty shocking sight, however.
Some of my female friends and colleagues have tried to walk arm-in-arm with me. I enjoy that as much as Alice did. Also, when I've been walking over rough terrain in the country or in a crowd at a festival, my younger companions, out of respect for my age, have grabbed my arm and guided me along. It shows caring and affection for me, which is nice, even if it feels awkward.
On the other hand I have been love-bombed with hugs from swarms of little Chinese children that I've taught. Which is awesome.
The unspoken rules of physical contact are different here. I mean, if you are one of those people who routinely, even unthinkingly, hug people when greeting them, or playfully punch their upper arms, or pat their backs, be aware that you may startle a Chinese person by doing this, especially if you don't know them well. However, you'll observe many patterns of physical contact in China that you won't see in the West. Physical contact between friends is A-0K in China. Friends of the same sex, that is. Girls walk hand-in-hand, boys roughhouse with one another and are physically close in a way which would call down assumptions about their sexuality in the West.
Public boy-girl affection is frowned upon. Ross and I have drawn a lot of comment around the campus because we often hold hands when we walk. That's very unusual for an older married couple but people think we're cute and they tolerate us. French kissing would be a pretty shocking sight, however.
Some of my female friends and colleagues have tried to walk arm-in-arm with me. I enjoy that as much as Alice did. Also, when I've been walking over rough terrain in the country or in a crowd at a festival, my younger companions, out of respect for my age, have grabbed my arm and guided me along. It shows caring and affection for me, which is nice, even if it feels awkward.
On the other hand I have been love-bombed with hugs from swarms of little Chinese children that I've taught. Which is awesome.
Mantou Avoid eating with your hands: Some Westerners are squeamish about eating from communal dishes, Asian style. The chopsticks go from your mouth to the platter and back again and so do everybody else's. However, I've observed that the Chinese avoid putting their fingers to their mouths when eating. If they are eating Western food, such as a hamburger, they are careful to hold it in the wrapper. They don't eat finger food as often as we do, One exception --here in Shandong, a big bland doughy bun called mantou is served with most meals, I've seen lots of people hold a mantou in one hand and their chopsticks in the other while eating. And of course chicken wings and bananas and fruit are eaten by hand. But the dainty eaters use chopsticks and can handle the slipperiest and most difficult foods with ease. Most importantly, I seldom see them put their fingers to their mouths to remove something -- like a fish bone or a watermelon seed. They dexterously use their chopsticks to remove it from between their lips, or they bend their head over and spit it straight out on the table.
Don't freak if the fish is flipped -- or, don't believe everything you read. Many etiquette guides that I read warned against turning the fish over at the table -- that is, if your table was served an entire cooked fish with head and tail and you've eaten the flesh on one side, it's considered bad luck to turn the fish over to get to the other side. But my Shandong fellow-diners turn the fish over. So I asked them, and they said that maybe that custom prevails at the coast where fisherman live. But here in the middle of Shandong, the fish gets flipped and no-one flips out. So, there you go. From which I conclude that even if you slip up and ignore some of the etiquette guidelines you've read about -- (don't give gifts in groups of four! The word 'four" sounds like "death"!) -- it ain't gonna be the end of the world. By the way, the eyeballs of the fish are a special treat, If you're eating with somebody's grandmother, refrain from gobbling them down yourself, offer her the eyes.
Drink only during toasts at banquets. Remember to only drink from your glass of beer or wine or baiju when a toast has been proposed. There will be water and/or tea on the table if you're thirsty. Whether or how much you drink is up to you, but in my experience, when a foreigner, and most especially a male foreigner, is invited to a banquet, the Chinese men at the table want to know how much alcohol the foreigner can take on board. So your glass will be filled and re-filled and you'll be challenged to "gan bei" (bottoms up!). Watch the Local Laowei series on YouTube for some amusing tips on how to handle this situation.
Wait to be seated at a formal banquet. There is a definite pattern for banquet seating. Your hosts will let you know which seat is for you. Again, if you watch the Local Laowei series, you will be well prepared.
Don't talk loudly and don't gesture broadly when talking. The Chinese consider this to be vulgar. Actually, in the classroom, I'm a complete clown -- acting things out, making faces, singing, hamming it up. But in public, loud and brash "ugly American" style behavior is frowned upon.
Gentlemen offer to carry ladies' parcels and purse. You'll see young men carrying their girlfriend's purses for them and when I am with a younger female companion, they often insist on carrying my purse and my shopping for me. I enjoy this custom, especially when I have to haul books and a laptop around. Usually a student will step up and offer to carry it for me. This has more to do with my age than my gender, I think.
I think the most important thing to remember is that allowances will be made for you because you're a foreigner and if you keep your eyes open and watch how people interact with one another, you'll pick up the local unspoken etiquette rules pretty quickly. If making a good impression is important to you, I'm sure you will make a good impression. And we all know that, fairly or unfairly, we are ambassadors for our countries and our cultures when we're abroad.
Wait to be seated at a formal banquet. There is a definite pattern for banquet seating. Your hosts will let you know which seat is for you. Again, if you watch the Local Laowei series, you will be well prepared.
Don't talk loudly and don't gesture broadly when talking. The Chinese consider this to be vulgar. Actually, in the classroom, I'm a complete clown -- acting things out, making faces, singing, hamming it up. But in public, loud and brash "ugly American" style behavior is frowned upon.
Gentlemen offer to carry ladies' parcels and purse. You'll see young men carrying their girlfriend's purses for them and when I am with a younger female companion, they often insist on carrying my purse and my shopping for me. I enjoy this custom, especially when I have to haul books and a laptop around. Usually a student will step up and offer to carry it for me. This has more to do with my age than my gender, I think.
I think the most important thing to remember is that allowances will be made for you because you're a foreigner and if you keep your eyes open and watch how people interact with one another, you'll pick up the local unspoken etiquette rules pretty quickly. If making a good impression is important to you, I'm sure you will make a good impression. And we all know that, fairly or unfairly, we are ambassadors for our countries and our cultures when we're abroad.
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